Thankful

Winter Wondering

June 28, 2018 // Esther Filbrun Leave a Comment

The sun has just set behind the mountains. It’s going to be another cold one tonight. These days, we often wake up to hoar frost outside and wish we could cuddle under the covers for another couple hours until the bedroom grows a little warmer.

Now is the time of year when sunsets are dusty pinks—not a huge amount of color, but beautiful all the same. It’s the time of year when few birds flit around, but the ones that are still here are precious and welcome. They carry the promise that winter will not always be here—that just as cold has slowly settled onto the land, warmth will follow with a riot of color and mud come spring. This is the time when multiple hot drinks are the norm on chilly days, and soft, fuzzy blankets are a must. When reading in a cozy spot is an absolute delight. When candles burn brighter, and we let them go longer, because their soft, hazy glow is such a delight on chilly evenings.

As much as I used to hate winter, I’m learning to embrace it. Yes, it’s cold in the mornings—but when the sun breaks into the world, you feel like cheering. There’s a beautiful view of the mountains from the kitchen where I work, and I’ve grown to really appreciate seeing the sunrise reflecting in oranges and pinks on their peaks first, then fuller in paler yellows as the sun gets higher, before it finally touches the high board fence around the garden and the green fern trees within it and voila! another day has begun.

Winter has put me into a meditative mood.

I wonder about why it’s so hard for me sometimes to be thankful, to see the blessings around me, when it used to come naturally like a needle in a seamstress’s hand.

I wonder why I don’t blog very much, even though I still enjoy the idea and used to love sharing my musings on my own online platform.

I wonder why my sourdough bread is turning out with consistent results, and my yeast bread isn’t—with the same recipe, week after week.

I wonder what the gardens of our souls will be like in another ten or fifteen years. Are there things I’m not watering and feeding that I should be? Or things that I’m over-emphasizing right now?

I wonder what simple, childlike faith really looks like. When encrusted with do’s and don’ts and preoccupations and misconceptions, life can get muddly (is that a word? probably not…I’ll go with it anyway).

I wonder at the beauty and simplicity I see in bare tree branches with little buds prepared, just waiting for the whisper of warmth to breathe through their twigs and announce “life has come!”

And I wonder…when that same Voice whispers in my heart, do I listen?

So while I continue catching glimpses of sunrises and sunsets, and birds talking in the trees outside, I will wonder. I will live each day with hope of being able to serve my Savior more. I will keep seeking for beauty, reaching for stars. And maybe—in the looking, wondering, and trusting—I will find that though I may wish for parts of my life to be different, the life I’ve been given is already more enough. Even in winter.

Like Spurgeon so ably put it,

“Beloved, it is not the office, it is earnestness; it is not position, it is grace which will enable us to glorify God. […] [B]e not discontented with your calling. Whatever God has made your position, or your work, abide in that, unless you are quite sure that he calls you to something else. […] Fill your present sphere to his praise, and if He needs you in another He will show it you.” (From Morning & Evening by Charles Spurgeon, June 27 evening reading)

Let’s discuss: What are you pondering right now? What are you appreciating about your season right now?

“I Get To!” (Life Update)

March 15, 2018 // Esther Filbrun Leave a Comment

One thing that’s become clearer and clearer to me over this past week is the fact that I need to work on developing better daily and weekly rhythms. No longer am I working three-hour days; when I work, I’m doing nine-hour days! That makes a significant difference in the amount of time I have in a given week—not to mention the fact that after I get home from an 8-5 day, I don’t have a whole lot of extra energy left to do much else (yes, mothers, you are allowed to laugh).

My weeks are definitely going by a little faster than I was used to, but I’m loving it, too. 🙂 And I definitely don’t have any grounds to complain!

In the three days per week left to me to do things, I’ve been working at a myriad of jobs. Last night, I finally sat down and took five minutes to write out all the things that I really need or want to get done in the next month:

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Finish my aunt and uncle’s wedding video (I got the files for this 2 1/2 years ago…it’s about time I finish it, methinks!)
Sand, stain, and varnish my new (old) wardrobe (this has been in progress since soon after we moved here—my sister and I need it for our room, and preferably the sooner the better!)
Catch up on book reviews (I’ve finished quite a few books lately…and am set to do more soon)
Get the category sorting function on my new website figured out (this has been waiting for several months now)

Most of these jobs are ones that will take several days apiece to do—and that’s not counting the ones I need to complete on a weekly basis (like bread making) or roughly once a month (like uploading new book reviews to the website).

But wow. I look at that list and think, “how many people out there have time to even think about jobs like this?”

Two or three weeks ago, I came across an interesting point about the Indians that lived in the Pacific Northwest: “Because food and wood [were] easy to gather, the Northwest Indians [had] much leisure time. Their lives [were] full of playacting, dancing, and singing.” (From A History of Us, Book 1 by Joy Hakim.)

I have to wonder, statistically speaking, how many people these days do not have time for things like this—or “relaxation” as we know it at all!—simply because it’s a daily fight for survival. It’s a struggle to even find a little food to feed their family.

None of those jobs listed above would be on my to-do list if I lived in a country where food was scarce. If anything, they would be a someday/maybe dream. That fact makes me feel very thankful. My food almost always appears, ready to eat (thank you, Mom!).

I live in plenty. So even if I struggle with a very first-world problem of figuring out prioritization and how to get the most out of my days, I know that I am blessed. Of course, there are the negative aspects of having too much plenty, but that’s a completely separate topic!

For now, I’m choosing to focus on the fact that I get to do these things, when for many people it’s an impossible dream. That it’s a privilege. Remembering that cuts down on the overwhelm factor quite a bit.

But, seriously—getting overwhelmed over something as trivial as what I should do with my days?

Okay. I’ll stop. But thanks for sparking the thought, Mr. History Book.

Let’s discuss: What are you working on right now? What are you thankful for today?

River Walk

March 5, 2018 // Esther Filbrun 4 Comments

When we moved over here a month ago, I asked Mom, “Do you think I’ll always think of the East Coast as the most beautiful side, and miss it? Or will I eventually think the West Coast is the most beautiful, and if we move back to Canterbury, I’ll end up missing the West Coast?”

She answered, “I don’t know.”

I think I’ve now found my answer now:

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A month into being here, I think I can pretty comfortably say that I’ve fallen in love with West Coast scenery. Before we moved here, I already really enjoyed it—there’s a certain charm to the rugged beauty of this place, but I knew I didn’t like the rain. However, I’m finding I haven’t minded the rain at all (so far, anyway—better wait until I’ve gone through a couple winters to make that an absolute statement!). And we still do get a good amount of sunshine, which is lovely!

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But the colors here…I think at this point I’d really miss them if we would go anywhere else. Yesterday afternoon, we as a family had time for a quick walk, and we’ve been wanting to find out exactly where a creek is that we’ve seen signs for.

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So we took off to explore for that, and turns out it’s just a 10-15–minute walk away, around the corner, down a hill, and around another corner.

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It ended up being a lovely little creek that gushes under a rickety old wooden bridge (rickety, as in when I walked across it, several of the boards were bouncing under my feet!). It also has that special enchanting gurgle as it tumbles over several series of rapids on its way down to join the river.

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After exploring the creek, we retraced our steps, crossed the railway line, and headed down another road. We found what we assume is a fishing access road that follows the creek for a ways as it winds out to the riverbed. It wasn’t a very long walk from there to the river.

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The scenery along the way, though. Gorgeous. Even though we were less than a mile from town, we were immersed in the country. There were animals, green, green grass, trees galore, the river off in the distance, and the mountains behind that…. Ahh, it did my soul good.

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Skirting the gravel piles, we walked down a short four-wheel-drive trail and then headed west along the rocky riverbed. It wasn’t far until we hit the creek again, where it spread out and hurried over rocks and around hillocks of grass and small shrubs to merge with the river that flowed at its toes off to our left.

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Then a patch of sand, another bit of rushing water (perhaps a side-channel of the Grey river?), more sand, more rocks, and we hit what appeared to be one of the main channels of the Grey river. That water was moving much faster, and appeared to be just as big if not bigger than the river that flows past our town to the south. It had gouged out a cleft for itself in the rocky riverbed, and formed a swift-moving current through which it ran down to where the two rivers intersected. On either side, for quite a distance, smaller trickles of water fanned out, all heading downstream.

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The boys had heaps of fun wading in the rushing water, but the current was strong, so they mostly all stayed together to keep from being washed off their feet!

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Then they headed upstream to find driftwood to send down the chute.

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It truly was a lovely evening! And although pictures aren’t perfect, and don’t come anywhere near to doing it justice, the memories made will live in our hearts forever.

Thank you, Lord, for my family. For the time we can spend together. For laughter, and a beautiful creation, and most of all, for Your gift of love that we can share with each other.

November’s NaNoWriMo and a Thankfulness Challenge

November 3, 2017 // Esther Filbrun 2 Comments

Last Wednesday, I did something crazy that I’m hoping I won’t end up regretting (I don’t think I will): I signed up for NaNoWriMo this month. (NaNo, as in National Novel Writing Month, or the crazy challenge writers take to write 50,000 words in 30 days.) I’ve participated other years—and even managed to get to 50k in 2013!—but since then, I’ve gained a lot of other responsibilities, so this is proving to be an even bigger challenge than it was back then.

But it’s been so, so fun as well. It’s thrilling to watch a story develop under your fingertips; to “live” in another place and try to put all five senses that you’re discovering there in word form so that someone else can experience it as well.

November's NaNoWriMo and a Thankfulness Challenge 01 — Pre-food near-starvation mode

As an aside: One thing I’ve discovered about myself (to my surprise!) is that I tend to write a lot more clearly than I speak. That’s become a continual annoyance to me, because words flow so well through my fingertips, but not necessarily through my lips. But that’s okay. It’s always good to have at least one thing to hone in life, right?

Back in 2013, and again in 2014 and 2015, I believe, I participated in another month-long challenge in November: GiveThanks x7. It was hosted by a girl’s magazine, The King’s Blooming Rose, with the goal being to write down seven things I’m grateful for every day of the month of November. It proved to be a lovely time of creating a habit of thankfulness, a frame of mind I’d love to be in constantly.

This year, although the magazine isn’t hosting the challenge, they do encourage us to do it ourselves. So I thought I’d share my “thankful” lists from the last three days.

November's NaNoWriMo and a Thankfulness Challenge 02 — Post-food relaxation mode (at this point, I’m thinking there are probably some interesting and useful parallels between sheep and humans, as the Bible often points out).

November 1:

Haunt Fox by Jim Kjielgaard—a fascinating nature book!
Peacocks—they’re so pretty!
Beautiful mornings
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A new dresser for my little sister
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Work away from home!

November 2:

Summery days
Motel-quality sheets (what luxury!)
Stories to write
Roses
Bible memory verses
Pitcher plants—fascinating things, especially when wasps get stuck in them!
Dear friends who are willing to help when it’s difficult to get something done ourselves (oh, that I might be a friend like that to other people!)

November 3:

The quails I heard early this morning
Brothers that I can delight with stories
My happy little sister
God’s faithfulness
The color of fresh spring green
Taking walks with my little sister
Her delight in nature

Have you ever written fictional stories and/or participated in a writing challenge? What are some things you are thankful for today?

Hope in the Hurting Places

October 5, 2017 // Esther Filbrun 2 Comments

It’s been a cloudy day here in North Canterbury, but this evening the sky is starting to show slices of blue through it. It’s beautiful. And with the dandelions scattered around the yard like little bursts of starlight, I can’t help but feel a little happier.

Last year at this time, that wasn’t the case though—I was reeling from the devastating news that my brother was dead. Today, I haven’t been able to help but remember all that happened that day, and how our family was changed forever from that time on…but despite that and the difficult memories that come with it, I’ve continuously tried to direct my thoughts up.

Like the Psalmist of old, “Oh Lord, I’m sinking…but You in Your salvation and mercy will lift me up.”

And in this case, that’s enough.

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One thing I’ve purposefully been doing these last few days leading up to the one-year anniversary is focus on God’s character. I knew this time would be rough, emotionally speaking. And I wanted to be prepared to some extent. It’s been such a blessed time. Even though there’s been a lot of pain, eyes stinging with tears at times, I know I can still look up and see the truth of God and His Word. It’s one constant thing in my life right now—and it has been constant for the last 2000+ years. It’s not likely to be going anywhere anytime soon.

This has been very helpful for me. Making note of these things, to read over and ground myself in when I need it, has been so special.

I’m thankful…

For the riches of God’s Word
For God’s holiness and justice
For the peace only Jesus can give
For God’s absolute love and guidance
For God’s mercy and grace
For His unending faithfulness
For hope in Christ
For the fact that we can trust God in everything
That He is in control
That He will never leave us
That He has (and will) bring us through
That He has cleared the path before, and He will again
That He is God, Jehovah-jireh, the Provider

God is so good.

I don’t know what you’re going through right now, what testings (emotionally or physically) you might be facing at the moment. But do know that you are loved, that you are in the center of His hand, and He will never let you go. God is there, in the situation with you. And that, as cliché as it sounds, is really enough.

Trust Him.

If you had to choose, what Bible verse comforts you the most when you’re walking through the valleys? Share below—I’d love to hear!

Cultivating an Attitude of Gratitude

August 9, 2017 // Esther Filbrun Leave a Comment

There were maybe twenty of us youth together that December evening eight months ago—perhaps a few less; I’m not certain. Together, we had just come through a week-full of meetings at a youth conference, each day, on average, infusing us and the many other attendees with four Biblically-rich, challenging sermons. I don’t know if my sentiments then could express what the others were feeling or not, but I felt full. Spiritually fed, my soul enriched far beyond what I normally encountered in my everyday life. The Lord had shown Himself faithful in the days leading up to that chilly Saturday evening, showing me areas where I wasn’t serving Him to my fullest extent, and overall just drawing me closer to Him.

I felt full. And as I looked around the room at all the other youth—spread across the assortment of couches in the spacious, yet cozy-feeling living room, I felt so blessed to be there. To be able to spend a bit of time with these special people, some of whom were very close friends, some friends from years past, or relatives—and grateful to have shared the enriching week with them.

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Someone—our evening’s host, perhaps, who happened to be one of the speakers at the conference—suggested we all write down one thing we really appreciated or were challenged by in the previous week. As we each took time to look back, I know many of us remembered fondly different scenes from the week, and the room grew silent apart from the occasional humming as someone tried to put their thoughts onto paper.

Soon all the papers were gathered up into a plate, mixed together, then passed out randomly, and we each took turns reading what was on our particular note, then tried to guess who had written it. Some of the notes were quite in-depth, with several sentences dedicated to whatever the person was thankful for. One, I remember, simply said “Food!”—it was submitted by a younger guy in the group! While that provided humor for some of us, the thing that really struck me was how many people said they were thankful for the encouragement to be grateful. That was a theme that had been running throughout the different sermons that week, unintentionally (or intentionally by the Lord?) tying together each of the four different speaker’s messages. Although by far that wasn’t the only thing we learned it was one of the most memorable thoughts. And I’d hazard to guess that at least half of us there that night mentioned something to that effect.

Fast forward to last Friday, when I was trialing a new pattern on a jumper (online dictionary says this should properly be called a pinafore—new word usage on me!). The first attempt failed, and it was late that evening when I finished a second top, only to find out that it was way too small as well. To say the least, I wasn’t in the best of moods. Twice, the solution had eluded me, and frankly, I was quite disgusted.

The worst part about it? I had posted on Instagram earlier that afternoon—before, you can be sure, I found out that both attempts weren’t right—saying something about being thankful I could sew. That evening, I wasn’t feeling very thankful.

A latte and time for sewing this afternoon. #Thankful #littleblessings

A post shared by Esther Filbrun (@estherfilbrun) on Aug 3, 2017 at 8:59pm PDT

So yesterday, as I was happily sewing along, making my third try at getting this pinafore top done, I started thinking over what I’d learned at youth conference about being grateful. Then I thought about the gratitude list I had started right about the same time as the two failed attempts…and how, for some inexplicable reason, those two pinafore tops were not included in said list.

Any coincidence? I think not. After all, why would I be thankful for something I was decidedly not grateful for at the moment? Yes, I had appreciated the moment earlier—back when it was (ahem) social media-worthy.

But I knew it was a double standard.

So while, yes, I did write down gratitude for the completed one, I’m going to make sure to add the two failed attempts to the list, too—I learned something from them as well.

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Because if there’s one thing I learned from the youth conference, we as God’s temple* have something priceless at our disposal. Back in the Old Testament, under the old law, the tabernacle held something precious: The altar of incense. Today, under the New Covenant, we as God’s priests (see the 1 Peter reference below) are in charge of our individual altars of incense—praise and thanksgiving to the Lord. This is a task that should be attended as our highest joy, an outflowing from our hearts because of the inflowing of the Spirit as He does His work in us.

It’s a precious thing, one I want to keep practicing. So next time my side seams don’t match up, or the garment ends up fitting much differently than I had intended, perhaps I should post a picture of that and start a trend with the hashtag #ThankfulForFailure …and a chance to try again.

Have you been practicing being thankful for things lately…even if it’s things that really didn’t turn out the way you wanted them to? What has the Lord been teaching you through failure recently?

*See 1 Corinthians 3:16-17, Ephesians 2:19-22, and 1 Peter 2:4-10